"I started to pray"

When Duane was diagnosed in 2007 we were both adamant about keeping a journal of how we navigated through his cancer.  That lasted maybe a week.  I do have some great letters to rely on and a few inspirational journal entries to reread when I feel low.  I did start to blog, it was therapeutic, I loved writing, sharing my thoughts to be forever burned onto the internet(for better and for worse).  It was almost immediately after my diagnosis of cancer that I decided to continue on that path of blogging, for me, for my own personal journal, a journal that I could share with whom ever stumbled by.  I don't want to forget the little tender mercies, the moments that someday I will cherish.

Early this morning, around 5 a.m., I woke with a panic. Yep, I was still in this reality of cancer, yesterday wasn't just a bad dream.  Instantly my tears started to flow and as much as I could stifle the cry, the audible sobs surfaced.  Each night my little girls have taken turns having a "sleep over" in moms room.  I like it, sometimes they fight over it, having a little body with me is comforting.  Last night was Hannah's turn, my rowdy, tenacious 7 year old.  As I sat on the edge of my bed sobbing, trying to be quiet, a little hand reached up and started to rub my back.  Can you just imagine what that did to me?  Being a mom is the best job in the world!  I quickly was able to pull it together, snuggle that sweet child, kiss her forehead and whisper "go back to sleep baby".

I took my sob session to the bath, hoping to hide the pain I was feeling.  As I continued to cry I became calm and relaxed.  At the time I assumed it was the wonderful smell of lavender and the sunrise that I was witnessing outside but as my sweet Hannah approached me this morning about my tears she explained that "mommy, I knew you were crying in the bathtub, I started to pray for you."  What an amazing moment, what an amazing feeling to know your child felt compassion, your child knew who to turn to, her Father in Heaven.  That was my tender mercy for the day.  My sweet Hannah, sharing with me the power of prayer.  I will cling to that power, that faith my 7 year old exhibited.  Lesson learned.

Taste the rainbow

Don't you just love skittles?  Sometimes the kids and I do blind fold tests to see if we "know" our flavors.  Sometimes you combine certain flavors to create the CherryBerry, cherry/grape combo or my personal fav, the Skittles Sprite, lemon/lime.  Taste the rainbow, yum, wish life was as yummy, wish emotions could be as flavorful and fun to experiment with but alas they are not. 

Today my rainbow of emotions almost did me in, put a fork in this turkey because it's done, did me in.  I ranged from peaceful,  hopeful, confident, full of stamina for the upcoming marathon to ending the day beat, tired, confused and ready to crawl into my shell. 

I'm NOT scared, I'm not upset or even really complaining, I hope that's not how this is coming across.   I still feel so blessed by my Heavenly Father, so confidant that Duane has rallied his troops on the other side of the veil, so simple put... Loved.  But with all this has come a mind numbing, brain exploding, can't wrap my thoughts around just how many people care and love my children and myself.  That's amazing!!  To feel the love of so many people, it's like my Skittles Sprite.....Taste the Rainbow.  

Do it for them

I have always centered my entire world around these babies, my Seven Super Summers.  Since the moment I discovered my beautiful Molly would be coming to my world I shifted my priorities, happily.  They are my everything.  Every gray hair comes from them, every sleepless night, every stomach ache, all the worry lines, from these little monkeys I gladly accept.  But with all those things, things the world would consider negatives has come such joy!  They give me a purpose in life, a goal to reach, a reason to carry on.  They are my children, entrusted to me by a loving Father in Heaven to care, love, nurture and raise righteously. 

Five years ago when Duane passed away, I could have easily curled up and shriveled away from the world.  I had lost the love of my life to colon cancer, an ugly and unwanted word in our home.  My children, my Seven Super Summers, my little saviors, they saved me everyday.  They gave me hope and a reason to hold on, keep going and keep my chin up.  Sometimes I would fail, I'm only human, sometimes the grief would consume me but it wouldn't take long before I pulled myself back into a peaceful spot.  They always pulled me back.

So tonight I write this entry, alone in my bed, contemplating the new task that I have been given, a fight I have to fight.... I have colon cancer.  I have the unwanted word, I have the horrid disease that took my husband from me that November day in 2008.  I am human, I have at several points today been on the brink of utter despair.  Cried the ugly cry, thought the why, thought the what are the odds, given in to the negativity yet there was always something pulling me back to center, my Molly and Ben, Katie and Mr. Jack, sweet Grace and my littles, Hannah and Emma.  They are my gravity, my life, my reason to fight and fight with every blasted breath in my body.  Tonight, I Do It For Them!! 

Spring is here!

Because nothing seems more welcoming than soft yellow daffodils

How to properly fall asleep

While visions of Krispy Kremes danced in her head. Now those are some sweet dreams happening.

A Bubbling Pot of Love

It may look like cauliflower but it's bubbling homemade dumplings, my Duane's all time favorite dinner. Each year the kids and I enjoy a bowl of love on Duane's birthday.

Snow Cream Sundaes

Blizzards in Oklahoma make being a mom pretty dang fun.  Today the seven monkeys and I feasted on Doctor Who, the tub 'o cheese balls, and  homemade snow cream sundaes.  They were so easy, light and yummy.   By simply adding 1/2 milk, 1/4 sugar and 1 t vanilla to 4 heaping cups of clean, fresh snow you get the cool mom award, the creative mom award, the our mom totally rocks award.  Yep, that's me today, the cool, creative and totally rocking mom of seven.  

Winter storm preparation

Winter storm preparation

what you get when momma prepares for snowmagedan, a great big tub of cheeseballs

Gotta get a little life on ya

Because Emma was "planting" her leaves and sticks wanting a tree to grow. Smile and wash her up, what else can a mom do?

The Joys of Childhood

Finally enough snow to make a proper snow angel. The day is now complete, well add some hot chocolate, now it's complete.

Raiding the Fridge

Even the pug goes to the fridge and stares. Actually we hide our OCD dogs chew toys in the fridge, he's just a little nuts-o. Definitely a Summers family pet.

Playtime

Because you're never to old to play Barbies with your little sisters.

What strange things humor my children and the embarrassment I feel.

Because when Jack brought home this well intended energy saving gift the comments from my children was hysterical. Al Gore thanks for being the butt of our jokes last night, it was a blast!! Now to teach my little mongrels that energy conservation can save some money on the utilities.

Sitting on the ledge

Because this sweet request made me smile, "Jack will you lift me up so I can sit by the window? " She giggled with delight as they sat by the window together.