Thursday, August 15, 2013


 We've all heard the expression "When it rains it pours", well right now I'm pretty sure I'm in the monsoon season.... But that's OK!  Weird, I never thought that I'd want so much chaos, so much upheaval going on in my life all at the same time.  But each downpour is just a distraction from the next.  Each one, on it's own would have put me into a complete tizzy!  I mean, full on, psycho nutcase, Calgon take me away, tizzy. 

 Let's start with something everyone with children will eventually go through, the oldest leaving home for college.  I've dreaded this moment since the day she was born, my sweet Molly moving on, growing up, leaving the nest.  When Duane passed away I clung so tightly to my children, they became my cure for my sorrows.  I knew I would have to say goodbye, but I always thought I would have Duane to lean on when I did have to say goodbye.  So when the rainy Monday came when my baby was to leave, I sobbed, I cried, I held her favorite baby doll Polly which she left at home for her little sister Hannah to care for.... But... it was OK!  I survived.
I was distracted.  By goofiness, by life, by my children.  All of these things kept my mind off of the cancer, off of the pain of recovering from a colon resection, off of the pain of letting my oldest spread her wings and fly.

Beautiful flowers to say I love you... Distraction.

 A birthday, a new year, a new life to begin.  Happiness found in the simplicity of chocolate brownies, in a pan that was on fire, in the medication that took away the pain of a surgery done the morning of my birthday, a surgery to put in my port for chemotherapy.
 My port, the painful, ugly, feels like someone punched the heck out of my shoulder, device that will help deliver the chemo to my body.  I was so grumpy the morning going into surgery, I did NOT want the "nail put in my chemo coffin" as I so lovingly described the procedure.  But as the day went on I began to see the beautiful distraction that was my port, it helped take my mind off of my worry, off of my pain in my tummy, off of the pain in my heart of saying goodbye to my Molly.  I saw my port as the portal to the second half of my life, my new life.  It was beautiful, it was wonderful, it was distracting.
 Love is distracting, probably in the best way.  Love from your sisters, your friends, your family.  Notes of encouragement, meant to brighten my day, succeeding in doing such brightening.  Never hesitate when you feel the need to send love to someone.  It just may be the distraction from the sorrow in their life that is needed at that moment. 
 Love through sweet thoughts, actions, brilliant ideas on how to make my chemo sessions less... YUCKY.  For 6 months, twice a month I will undergo the fight to kill all those nasty little cells left over because they wanted to go explore my body.  Well they didn't have an open invitation, and I'm sending in the big guns!  But what a way to do it, decked out with such a cute reminder of what I'm fighting for.... These beautiful distractions.... My babies.  I couldn't ask for a more perfect distraction from pain, cancer, sorrow, growing up, worry,.... 7 beautiful distractions.

Friday, August 9, 2013


So.... I survived.   Hands down, one of the hardest weeks I've ever endured.  I'm guessing my pain tolerance wasn't quite what I thought it to be because I've been hurting... A LOT.    

Coming out of surgery was actually the best part of the week, I had my self a severe case of Truth Be Told, ask and I shall answer...and then some.  Here are several things that spewed from my mouth with some of them prefaced with a "I really shouldn't say this but..." I just couldn't shut up!
1.  I missed my Pug, cried about it too
2.  I didn't miss the cat, became almost evil when I would mention her
3.  I love Tootsie Rolls, ONLY specific kinds- the long skinny ones.  I hate the fat ones, I hate the little ones, I hate the vanilla ones.
4.  My sister has beautiful eyes 
5.  My sister has horrible hair
6.  Daph has a weird tummy
7.  I'm a mean person
8.  I let my kids watch Supernatural
9.  I was waiting for my pregnancy test to come back from the labs
10.  I haven't had sex in 5 years.

The last three confessions were done in front of my Bishop, a sweet, kind, G rated kind of man.  WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING???  I'm also pretty sure some of my "confessions" were just drug induced loopiness because frankly I really can't stand Tootsie Rolls.

On the serious side of my truth serum,  I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm not sure I'm up to this fight.  I just haven't found the oomph yet that I see all the cancer fighting people proclaim.  I miss my Duane, profoundly.  It's been so hard to find the peace I'm wanting when the peace I'm wanting has to do with being held by my husband.  My mom has been able to give me some of the comfort that I need, my children give me a portion of my comfort, my dearest friends have given me some of that comfort but it's all lacking, Duane.  
I pray to find my fight.

Each day to live....

Finding the little things in the day that make me smile.

Duane's last Dance

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