Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I think we've all done it. As kids, I think we've all enjoyed it. But nothing could compare from my childhood or be sweeter to me than that ding dong ditch I received this morning. That sweet sound of the doorbell ringing, opening the front door and finding a beautiful bouquet of fall flowers. Thank you dear secret friend for bringing a smile to my face and happy tears to my eyes.
I can't express in words adequately how tough this past month has been. The anticipation of marking off the calendar one year since Duane's passing. But really the one year calendar dates won't start on November 10, they've started already. It was late August at the parent back to school night when we first noticed the jaundice in his eyes. Mid September when we discovered the cancer had come back and chemo would start all over again. The beginning of October when he finally decided that he just couldn't work anymore and took a months leave of absence, not knowing that would be the wisest thing he would ever do. To spend that last month none stop with Duane was such a sweet blessing to me and especially the young babies, Emma and Hannah.

When Duane passed I assumed that one year was a long time. Foolish girl. It's just a drop in the bucket. My heart still aches, hurts and will do so for a long time. When my eternal glasses break it's so hard to see past the temporal separation that Duane and I are enduring. And yes, I do believe that even though my sweetheart is happy, pain free and in a peaceful place that he feels the separation just as I do. You don't loose that love, it never fades, if anything it just grows and evolves.

Thank you my doorbell friend for readjusting my eternal glasses, setting them straight, and putting me once again back on the straight path. It's a long hard journey ahead. I need those little kicks in the rear especially when they're in flower form.


Janice said...

I love tender mercy stories. I'm happy for you that you were given a glimpse of the eternal perspective.
It is definitely hard to keep at times.

KoryLCorey said...

I am sorry that the time has flown by without me thinking about what you are going through. I wish I could be there to give you a hug, but since I am so dang far away I will just have to tell you how much I admire your strength and optimism. It has helped me get through so many of my own struggles. And has made me stop being such a whiner at things that are of little consequence. I hope that you have a wonderful day.

modern myrtle said...

It looks like someone acted on a little prompting. That is a good reminder for me to not brush those aside. We really are God's hands, aren't we?

You have been so much on my mind lately. I knew it was this time of year that Duane passed, but I couldn't remember exactly when. I wish I had more time to chat with you than just a quick pass-by at church. You are in my thoughts and prayers more than you know.

Love ya girl,

It's Great To Be A Guidry said...

Do you think Duane feels guilt for ruining all my birthdays for the rest of my life?!

I love you, Beckworth.

Wunderwoman said...

I can't imagine how hard this year has been for you, but you are in my thoughts!

Brenda said...

What beautiful flowers!

I don't know what it is about the one year mark, but I put a lot of weight on it. Not that life feels any better now, but it's sort of a relief to have all the "firsts" over with. First Thanksgiving without...first Christmas without...first anniversary without. In some ways I feel like making it past the year mark gives me permission to stop counting everything and just feel everything as it comes.

I miss you!

Marrdy said...

Beautifuly said. Your courage and strength amaze me. Thank goodness for friends (even secret ones) who know just when you need a little pick me up. There really are angels here on earth.

I do love the eternal glasses comparison. Such a great truth.

ilovemy5kids said...

I'm over here from Sit's Saturday and my heart just about broke into two reading your story.

You are one brave woman! God has such a plan for you and your children!

I watched the video of your Superman dancing - what life!

Be encouraged - you are NOT alone no matter what! You are loved!

Blessings to you today - and I pray that God gives you so encouragement in unexpected places this coming month!

Lana @ ilovemy5kids

Kerri said...

Becky, Thank you so much for stopping by my blog...and you're right, it was no coincidence. I am so sorry for your loss. As you know, Friday was one year after my best friend Linda's battle with cancer ended. Everything comes rushing back...the last things we did, saw talked about...
God bless you and give you extra strength, peace and comfort at this time. What a beautiful family! Keep in touch!

Katrina said...

Awesome, Becky! Keep on.
If I was closer, I would ding dong ditch chocolate to your door! ;)

Quin's momma said...

Beautiful post, Becky!

Daisy said...

and I cry.

Each day to live....

Finding the little things in the day that make me smile.

Duane's last Dance

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